insecurity is an inner feeling of being threatened and/or inadequate in some way. We’ve all felt it at one time or another. But while it’s quite normal to have feelings of self-doubt once in a while, chronic insecurity can sabotage your success in life and can be particularly damaging to your intimate relationships. Chronic insecurity robs you of your peace and prevents you from being able to engage with your partner in a relaxed and authentic way. The actions that come from insecurity—always asking for reassurance, jealousy, accusing, and snooping—erode trust, aren’t attractive, and can push a partner away.

While many people tend to think that insecurity comes from something their partner said or did, the reality is that most insecurity comes from inside ourselves. The feeling can start early in life with an insecure attachment to your parents, or can develop after being hurt or rejected by someone you care about. Insecurities are maintained and built upon when you negatively compare yourself to other people and harshly judge yourself with critical inner dialogue. The majority of relationship insecurity is based on irrational thoughts and fears—that you are not good enough, that you will not be OK without a partner, that you will never find anyone better, that you are not truly lovable.

When you start to notice that sinking feeling of insecurity there are a few things you can do:

Build your self-esteem:

Insecurities are tough suckers to get rid of. They are the lice of your emotional stability – Annoying and really hard to banish. Building your self-esteem is the only way to get rid of your insecurities (or at least, keep them at bay.)

How can you do this? Practice self-care by booking yourself a luxury spa day, start exercising or doing something you really love. It’s best to work on one habit you’d like to get rid of, and one you’d like to create

Keep your independence:

A healthy relationship is comprised of two healthy people. Becoming overly enmeshed in a relationship can lead to poor boundaries and a diffuse sense of your own needs. Maintaining your sense of self-identity and taking care of your needs for personal well-being are the keys to keeping a healthy balance in a relationship. When you aren’t dependent on your relationship to fill all of your needs, you feel more secure about your life. Being an independent person who has things going on outside of the relationship also makes you a more interesting and attractive partner. Ways to maintain your independence include: Making time for your own friends, interests, and hobbies, maintaining financial independence, and having self-improvement goals that are separate from your relationship goals. In essence: Don’t forget to do you.

Trust yourself and your partner:

It will come as a shock to no one when I say that trust is the key to happy, healthy relationships. Trust not only means sharing your deepest secrets with your partner without worrying that they’re going to blab them to anyone who will listen, but it also brings you to comfort in knowing that they mean what they say… that they’re not going to betray or hurt you.

Both partners can practice trust by living up to their word, being emotionally and physically present in the relationship, and being accountable to each other. It’s also important to trust your own instincts. If your partner has never given you a reason to distrust them, then don’t. However, if you feel deep needling at your core telling you something just isn’t right, trust your gut!

Give your partner space:

For a healthy relationship, you need to be willing to give your partner space. I know if you’re feeling insecure or jealous, space is not what you need. But giving your partner space can help prevent them from feeling smothered or attacked. It can also give you a great opportunity to pursue your own interests and work on maintaining your own social life. Doing things on your own can help boost your confidence and remind yourself that you still have a life outside of your romantic relationship.

For a healthy relationship, you need to be willing to give your partner space. I know if you’re feeling insecure or jealous, space is not what you need. But giving your partner space can help prevent them from feeling smothered or attacked. It can also give you a great opportunity to pursue your own interests and work on maintaining your own social life. Doing things on your own can help boost your confidence and remind yourself that you still have a life outside of your romantic relationship.